22 September 2017

Goddess of... Recover & Discover

If you read the previous post, you're caught up on the years 2011 to 2016 for me, relationship-wise.


I think the first breakup of your "adulthood" is hard, really hard. You suddenly realize that maybe you don't have it all figured out and it's not going to turn out as planned. That's when you think "Plan A" is over and enters "Plan B".

I had been focusing on being a team player, building something as a couple. I had forgotten who I was (my hobbies) and had put that aside for the benefit of the "unit"... even though Nick never asked me to.

Thankfully, one thing I was smart enough never to put aside, were my friendships. I always made time for my friends over the years and they were there for me when I was broken. At some point, after some time of being broken, I realized that I had a lot of people around me who loved me and I didn't love myself nearly as much.


So about "Plan B", which probably should've been "Plan A" all along: To focus on "Project Me".

Develop a person (body, mind & soul) so interesting, you can't help but fall in love... with yourself. I think that a lot of my "issues" in life are based on my poor self-esteem. The struggle is *very* real, still to this day.

Over the past year and a half, I've been working on a personal transformation. To rediscover who I was, who I am, who I want to be. I've reconnected with my self, my friends (they're even more present in my life now), my passions, my hobbies.

Who I was : Naive, artistic, loving, generous, sweet. I've reconnected with my artistic side, going to the museum a lot (with others AND by myself), taking art classes for the first time in 12 years. As for my youthful innocence, it's harder process. I don't trust as easily, if at all. Any advice?

Who I am : Independent, interesting, curious, well-rounded. I don't let others in as easily anymore, I don't accept a lot of help (if any), I am responsible for all the bills & chores. I get a lot of satisfaction from doing things on my own, I always have... I'm an only child.

I'm well-rounded in the sense that I try a lot of things, I have so many different hobbies, and I try restaurants, bars, music, art, etc. I don't really have a speciality, something I excel in. I've been rediscovering my main interests: art, food & travel.

Who I want to be : All that I was, that I am and more. I want to be confident, self-assured, but I'm constantly afraid of being perceived as cocky or full of myself. Over the years, I've struggled with self-esteem and I decided it was better to be 'invisible'... than to be seen as cocky. I have to find the right balance now, and understand that it *is* possible to be confident without being seen as obnoxious.

I saw a shrink recently for the first time and all the commented on this was that it was "interesting". I asked for practical advice but she didn't really help me in finding solutions. I don't know why I'm like this.. but I'd like to improve. If you've got any tips, I'd love to hear it.

Later my Bloggeroos,